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I HON. JOHN NORTH 

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HON. JOHN NORTH 


An Original Comedy in Four Acts . 


Copyright, 1903. 
by 

HERBERT BASHFOKI). 
[All Rights Reserved.] 


HON. JOHN NORTH 


An Original Comedy in Four Acts 


BY 

HERBERT BASHFORD 

Author of “ Beyond the Gates of Care ; ” “The Wolves of the 
Sea, and Other Poems,” etc. 


OAKLAND, CALIFORNIA 
WEST COAST PRINTING COMPANY 
1903 



THE LIBRARY OF 
CONGRESS. 

Two Copies Received 

AUG 20 1903 


• Copyright Entry 
rUsuJL'173 
CLASS & XXc. No 

't> y r L 

COPY B. 












~Th£ Play. 

The scenes of the four acts are laid at the home of Hon. John 
North, in Seattle, State of Washington. 

Act I.—An early afternoon in September. Act II.—The 
morning of the next day. Act III.—Evening of the day fol¬ 
lowing. Act IV.—Two hours later. 


PERSONS IN THE PLAY. 


Hon. John North, 

Count Henri De Vaeois, 
Charles Dale, 

Johnnie,. 

Col. Henry Harrison Barnaby, 
Unity Jane, 

Mrs. John North, 

Edith North, 

Mrs. Helen Delmar, 


Nominee for Governor 
In search of an heiress 
Of the Herald 
- A sower of wild oats 
Who wore the blue 
A domestic 
Who has a hobby 
An only daughter 
Formerly Mrs. John North 


ACT I. 

The scene represents the grounds of John North’s residence 
in Seattle, Washington. Set tree L. Rustic seat underneath. 
House R. Trees and mountain in background. 

Unity Jane discovered seated on rustic bench reading. 

Unity (reading aloud ) 

Then-said-Lord-Robley-to-the-fair-Ellen-I-swear-by-the 
constant-stars-I-will-be-true-to-thee. A-tear-drop-glittered 
in-the-maiden’ s-eye— 

Mrs. North, a matronly woman of about forty, appearing in 
the doorway. 

Mrs. North (sharply) 

Unity Jane ? 

Unity (reading aloud) 

Said-she-I-will-drown-myself-in-the-moat-if-you-love-me 
not— 



4 HON. JOHN NORTH 

Mrs. North 

Unity Jane ? 

Unity (reading) 

Then-said-Lord-Robley—fly—with—me--on—my- coal -- black 
steed— 

Mrs. North (shaking Unity) 

Unity Jane you’re as deaf as an adder ; don’t you know it’s 
getting late ? The train will be here in five minutes. You 
must make haste and hurry up the lunch. These here novels 
don’t edify anybody. 

Unity (starting) 

Yes mam I’m a-goin’ (stops and reads) Darling~I~love— 
thee— 

Mrs. North (angrily snatching the novel) 

Then go this minute. You try my patience beyond meas¬ 
ure. (Unity moves sullenly into the house. Mrs. North looks 
at book) I just knew she had lost my place ; fool girl don’t 
know what she’s a readin’ anyhow, (turns, as if to enter the 
house) 

Mrs. Helen Delmar, a handsomely dressed woman with 
bleached hair, who attempts to appear youthful, enters C. 

Mrs. Delmar (suavely) 

Good morning. 

Mrs. North. 

How d’ye do. 

Mrs. Delmar. 

H&ve I the pleasure of addressing the Hon. Mrs. John 
North ? 

Mrs. North. 

Yes, I’m her. 

Mrs. Delmar. 

My name is Delmar—Mrs. Helen Delmar. I called to see 
you in answer to your advertisement for a French teacher. 

Mrs. North. 

Oh, you seen it in last night’s paper ? 

Mrs. Delmar. 


Yes. 


HON. JOHN NORTH 5 

Mrs. North. 

So you talk French, do you ? 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Yes, I am a teacher of French. 

Mrs. North. 

Lived here long ? 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Only a short time. 

Mrs. North. 

From Boston or Paris ? 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Well, no ; originally from New York, recently from South 
Dakota. 

Mrs. North. 

Dakoty ? Did you say you was married ? 

Mrs. Delmar (laughing) 

I was once, I am now a widow. 

Mrs. North. 

H’m. Dakoty makes lots of ’em. 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Yes, but not in my case. I lost my husband years ago. 

Mrs. North. 

Oh, lie’s dead, an’ you hain’t never married again ? 

Mrs. Delmar (with feigned emotion) 

No, I have never felt that I could bring myself to marry 
again. 

Mrs. North. 

Well, you are allright. I’m just like you. I am dead set 
against second marriage, too. I guess you will do to learn my 
daughter French. 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Oh, then it is your daughter ? 


6 


HON . JOHN NORTH 


Mrs. North. 

Yes, and I want her to learn it as rapid as possible. You 
see— well —Edith wouldn’t like me to mention it — but — as 
long as you’re goin’ to be her French teacher, I don’t mind 
tellin’ you that there is a real French Count payin’ her a good 
deal of attention. And you know — 

(Edith North, a pretty girl of eighteen enters from the house.) 

Mrs. North (seeing her) 

Well, we will talk the matter over in the house. Mrs. Del- 
mar, this is my daughter Edith. 

Mrs. Delmar (taking Edith’s hand) 

Ah, how much you resemble your mother. I am so pleased 
to meet you. 

Mrs. North. 

Edith, Mrs. Delmar is to be your French teacher. 

Mrs. Delmar. 

I am sure you will like the French very much—an apt 
pupil, too, I should say. (Edith shows displeasure) 

Mrs. North. 


Yes, she’ll get on I’m sure. Walk right in, Mrs. Delmar. 
(turning to Edith) Edith, no more of this. I’m bound you 
will learn French, (exeunt Mrs. Delmar and Mrs. North in 
house) 

Edith. 

Oh, Mamma is so fickle, she changes her mind every week. 
First it is music, then flower painting, and before I know any¬ 
thing of either, I must devote myself wholly to French. And 
all because of that pokey old Count. 

(Charles Dale, a neatly dressed young man of twenty-two 
enters C. ) 

Charles Dale. 

Good morning, Edith ! 

/ 

Edith (slightly startled) 

Oh ! Charles ! 

Charles Dale. 

I expect you heartily wish I would remain away for at least 
twenty-four hours ; here last evening and here this morning ; 
but I think I am excusable when I tell you that I am here now 
as a cheeky reporter hunting for a “scoop.” 


7 


HON. JOHN NORTH 
Edith. 

How very fearful you are of troubling me. You know you 
are always welcome, Charles. But please tell me what you 
mean by a scoop ? You see I am quite stupid. 

Charles Dale. 

A scoop ? Well, a scoop is where one paper publishes a bit 
of news before any other paper hears of it. You see your 
father is to be escorted to the house, here, by some of his 
friends ; he will no doubt be asked to say a few words to them. 
I want to get the first interview with him after his home¬ 
coming. I am sure you will help me out. 

Edith. 

Of course I will and you will get a scoop. Won’t that be 
jolly ! 

Charles Dale. 

The train is just in and he will be here in a few minutes. 

Edith. 

We will go in and sit right in the side window. 

Charles Dale. 

Capital ! 

Edith, (leading) 

A scoop. Ha. Ha. (exeunt in house) 

(Colonel Henry Harrison Barnaby, a small man of about sixty 
five years, with a gray mustache and a military bearing, enters 
hurriedly C.) 

Col. Barnaby. (excitedly) 

Oh, it reminds me of the sixties ! The whole town is fol¬ 
lowing after John’s carriage. Such a rabble! They’ll drive 
him plumb crazy. He could endure it much easier if he had 
smelled powder as I have, (fumbles at door but in his excite¬ 
ment fails to get in.) Confound the door. Martha ! Martha ! 
(In the distance is heard a fife and drum playing “When John¬ 
nie Comes Marching Home Again.’’) Martha ! (pounds at 
the door) Martha ! Martha ! (Colonel runs to C and looks 
out right. Music grows louder and shouts are heard.) Enter 
Mrs. North and Edith from house. 

Mrs. North. 

What is the matter, brother Henry ? 


8 


HON. JOHN NORTH 


Col. Barnaby. 

John is coming! Hear the drums ! Hurrah ! It makes 
me tingle all over. Reminds me of the sixties. 

Enter R. U. E., fife and drum corps with the stars and stripes, 
followed by John North and citizens who carry flags and 
banners bearing political inscriptions. John North is a 
man of fifty, large, and given to being portly. His genial 
face is smooth shaven ; his hair is slightly tinged with 
gray. He wears a plain business suit and soft slouch hat. 
Carries a small hand satchel. The drum corps continue 
playing. John North greets his wife and daughter affec¬ 
tionately, and shakes hands with the Colonel who hangs 
on to his hand persistently. The crowd bursts into cheers. 
Edith enters the house and joins Dale, who is seen through 
the open window. Fife and drum corps cease playing. 
Cries of “Speech, Speech,” from the crowd. John North 
(mounting rustic bench) 

John North (addressing crowd) 

Fellow Citizens : This is one of the happiest moments 
of my life. My heart is thrilled at this grand and glorious ex¬ 
pression of good will from you, my neighbors and townspeople. 
As you all know, I have lived in your midst for twenty years. 
When 1 came here I had nothing in the world. I began on 
the lower round of the ladder, and let me say that my first 
stroke of good luck was, when I married the daughter of one 
of Washington’s pioneers, (motions towards Mrs. North who 
shows embarrassment) (crowd cheers loudly) And now, my 
fellow citizens, as you have seen fit to honor me with the nom¬ 
ination for so responsible an office as Governor, I will, if 
elected, endeavor to carry out the pledges of our platform to 
the best of my ability. I promise that my administration of 
State affairs will be conducted in a straightforward and busi¬ 
nesslike manner and in the interests of the common people. I 
have always been a friend of the workingman. I am proud to 
say that there has never been a word of complaint as to wa^es, 
among the three hundred men employed in my mills, (cheers 
from the crowd) 1 am not a politician, and I hope that my 
Creator is pleased that I am not. My record speaks lor itself 
and is open to inspection. If 1 am elected Governor of this 
State (crowd cheers and cries “You will be. Hurrah for John 
North,”) If elected Governor, I will try to do my duty with¬ 
out lear or favor. I thank you, eaclrand all. (John North 
descends from rustic bench and the crowd give three cheers 
and marches away to quickstep played by fife and drum corps) 


HON. JOHN NORTH 


9 


John North, (with show of affection) 

Well, mother, I got there with both feet. 

(Colonel who has been watching the disappearing crowd 
picks up John’s valise and enters the house.) 

Mrs. North. 

Well, I’m real glad, John. Just to think of your being 
Governor. 

John North. 

Hold on, mother, till the votes are counted. I may get 
pounded all around the political arena. Come, sit down here 
(moves toward rustic bench and throws himself wearily upon 
it) and I’ll tell you all about it. 

Mrs. North. 

Yes, John, but Unity has the lunch all ready. Oh, say, I 
almost forgot to tell you. What do you think has happened ? 

John North. 

In this neighborhood ? 

Mrs. North. 

Yes, in this very block. 

John North. 

A new baby ? 

Mrs. North. 

No. No, it’s something awful ! 

John North. 

Well ? 

Mrs. North. 

Emma Jones has went and married that Joe Cartwright. 
John North. 

Well, my guess wasn’t so far off. She could have done 
worse. 

Mrs. North 

She better a committed suicide. 

John North. 

Why ? 

Mrs. North. 

He’s a divorced man. 

(enter Charles Dale and Edith from house) 


10 HON. JOHN NORTH 


John North. 

Oh, pshaw, mother ! Riding your hobby ! 

Charles Dale. 

Mr. North, allow me to congratulate you. 

John North. 

(Shaking Dale’s hand) You should rather express your 
sympathy, my boy. I’ve been pulled here and hauled there 
and jammed around till I feel like a bunged up stage horse on 
a hot day. 

Charles Dale. 

I wish my chances for Governor were as good as yours. 

John North. 

Yes, but politics at best is a bundle of uncertainty wrapped 
up with dazzling surprises. 

Charles Dale. 


No man could have a cleaner record than yourself, Mr. 
North. 


John North. 

Well, most men vote their party ticket ; not their sentiment. 

Charles Dale. 

Is there anything you wish to say to the readers of the 
Herald ? 

John North. 

Yes; you might tell them that I’m in the race to win. The 
people know me, and what sort of a chap I am. It rests with 
them to choose their hired man. If they choose the other fel¬ 
low, I won’t complain. In my canvass of the State I will hit 
straight out from the shoulder. If there is anything to be 
shown up, I’ll show it. When I’m elected I'll be Governor. 
This power will not be delegated to any one else. I’ll run the 
shooting match and be responsible for the affairs of state. 

Charles Dale. 

That is right, Mr. North, (takes notes) 

John North, (noticing impatience of Mrs. North) 

But my lunch is waiting and you’ll have to excuse me. I 
never was so hungry in my life. Land alive but I feel old this 
day. Now, mother, we will have some tea. 


HON. JOHN NORTH n 

Mrs. North. 

Edith; now don’t forget your French tutor, (exeunt Mr. 
and Mrs. North into house) 

Charles Dale. 

The home-coming of the Hon. John North will make a rat¬ 
tling good story. I’m more than sorry that the Herald is on 
the other side of the political fence. There is so much I would 
like to say in behalf of your father, but I know they would not 
let it go through. But I am sure this will stand, (reads from 
note book) The beautiful daughter of the nominee greeted 
him with a kiss as the crowd — 

Edith. 

Now, really and truly, Charles, you did not write that ? 

Charles Dale. 

But really and truly I did, Edith. 

Edith. 

Now you just let me see. 

Charles Dale. 

(Holding book for Edith to see and reads) The beautiful 
daughter of the nominee — 

Edith. 

Please strike that out. I am not beautiful — quite otherwise; 
and the people will all laugh. 

Charles Dale. 

Laugh ? Well, I guess not. Don’t you suppose I am a 
judge of pretty girls ? 

Edith. 

Now you are making fun of me ! 

Charles Dale. 

Edith, believe me, I am not. To me you are the loveliest 
girl in all the world. 

Edith. 

I don’t doubt but that you have said that to half the girls in 
our class. I am sure I have heard you say it to three or four 
of them. 

Charles Dale. 

Oh, well ; only in fun. 


12 HON. JOHN NORTH 

Edith. 

Yes ; I knew you were only in fun. 

Charles Dale. 

Edith, won’t you ever take me seriously ? 

Edith. 

Then you want me to be so very serious and treat you so 
solemnly ? (laughs) 

Charles Dale. 

No, not that, you little tease. You know what I mean. You 
know what little boy used to send you valentines and hang 
May baskets on your door. (Edith seems more serious) Well, 
that little boy is a man now and the sweet dream of his boy¬ 
hood has grown more beautiful to him day by day, until now 
he feels that his future happiness rests entirely with that play¬ 
mate of his youth. Edith, for months I have been struggling 
to tell you what you must already know. It seems to me that 
I have loved you always. I have been tempted to tell you this 
a thousand times, but some way I have felt that if I did I might 
be made the most miserable fellow on earth. (Edith shows 
emotion) Maybe I should not have told you. Maybe — but — 
well, I have confessed it all. (waits for Edith’s reply) Tell 
me Edith, is the dream all over ? (Edith choking with emo¬ 
tion) 

Edith. 

No, Charles, not that. I really can not talk to you now. 

Charles Dale. 

Ah, Edith, have I hoped against hope ? Has yours been 
but a friendly interest in an old school mate ? 

Edith. 

(With feeling) Oh Charles, if you only knew all — every¬ 
thing ! 

Charles Dale. 

There is only one thing I care to know, and that is that you 
love me. Edith tell me that you do. 

Edith. 

Yes, Charles, I do, but— (enter Count R. U. E.) 

Charles Dale. 

(Starting to embrace lie;-) Edith. 


HON. JOHN NORTH 13 

Edith. 

(Warningly) The Count ! 

Count. 

Ah, Madaraoiselle ! A pleasant morning to you ! 

Edith. 

(Bowing) Count De Valois, my friend, Mr. Dale. 

Count. 

(Shaking Dale’s hand) It does me ze honair. 

Charles Dale. 

Pleased to know you, sir. 

Count. 

(With agitation) You veel pardong me eef I take ze seat, 
(sits on seat and strives to compose himself. Business.) 

Edith. 

Why Count De Valois, what has happened ? 

Charles Dale. 

Heart disease! Shall I get a doctor ? 

Count. 

(Regaining his breath) I have ze encountair a moment past 
wiz ze intoxicated fellow. 

Edith. 

Oh, then you are not ill ? 

Count. 

No, no ; we meet on ze street below, and he speak to me in 
ze insolent mannair. I try to pass him by. No, no ; he veel 
not let me. 

Charles Dale. 

Well, that is interesting. 

Count. 

I look for ze police. No police. Gone I do not know. 
Charles Dale. 

No police ? How natural ! 

Count. 

I say to lieem let me pass ! He strike hees feest at me. I 
sieze heem by ze collair and push heem in ze guttair. Oh, so 


HON. JOHN NORTH 


14 

drunk he ees, he cannot rise. Ze bad liqueur. What a time 
I have. I nevair before feel so chagrin. I yet shake in my 
limbs. 

Edith. 

Oh, how perfectly awful ! 

Charles Dale. 

Evidently, Count, it was a hobo trying to “hold you up.” 

Count. 

Oh, no, Monsieur ; he do not hold me, nor do I hold heem. 
I merely push heem ovair. 

Charles Dale. 

Calm yourself, Count. I am going down past there, and if 
I run across him I will have him taken into custody. 

Count. 

Oh, Monsieur, I hope you may ! I shall be such gratitude 
to you. 

Charles Dale. 

Good day, Count ! 

Count. 

(Bowing low) I bid you good day. (Count resumes seat. 
Edith extends her hand to Dale, who holds it, looking her full 
in the face a moment. Exit Dale R. U. E. hurriedly.) 

Edith. 

Count De Valois, will you not come into the house ? You 
will be more comfortable in an easy chair. Mamma will be 
delighted to see you. 

Count. 

It ees very pleasant in ze shade of ze tree. At present I 
prefair it to ze house. You veel pardong me if I ask ze name 
of ze young gentleman ? I am so stupid. 

Edith. 

Mr. Dale — Mr. Charles Dale. 

Count. 

Ah, zat ees it. Tale— Monsieur Tale. I veel now remem¬ 
ber. You have him known ze many year I presume ? 

Edith. 

(Impatiently) Yes; we were school mates. 


HON. JOHN NORTH 15 

(enter Mrs. North from house. ) 

Count. 

Ah, ze fast friend of ze school time. How grand it ees ; ze 
friend of ze school day. 

Mrs. North. 

(Profuse in her greeting, bet showing embarrassment) Why, 
how do you do, Count ? I didn’t know that you had come. 

Count. 

Madam, it does me ze honair. 

Mrs. North. 

We are always so glad to see you, Count. Edith, child, 
didn’t you ask the Count in ? 

Count. 

Madamoiselle gave ze charming invitation, I assure you. I 
prefer ze cool shade. I so perspire in ze sunshine. 

Mrs. North. 

Edith dear, your French tutor wishes to speak to you. 
You’ll just please excuse her a minute. Count ? (exit Edith 
hurriedly) 

Count. 

Ah, you should be ze proud parent — so charming daughter. 
She ees ze poem — ze sunlight of ze home. 

Mrs. North. 

Yes, Count, her Pa and I both think so. You know, Count, 
she’s a-going to do something now, that pleases me wonderful. 
She’s got an idea of learning French, and I been encouraging 
her in it. Got her a French tutor this morning. 

Count. 

(Rapturously) Ah, it make me so please! Ze beautiful 
language ! 

Mrs. North. 

Yes ; I was sure it would tickle you. (Count looks puzzled) 

Count. 

I do not w T onder ze young man admire Madamoiselle. Ah, 
what ees ze name ? Tale — Monsieur Tale. 

Mrs. North 

Oh, yes, Charlie Dale ! Edith and him went to school to- 


6 


HON. JOHN NORTH 


gether. She’s always treated him nice since they growed lip. 
Sort of a pity for him ; his folks was always .poor and he’s had 
to shift for himself. 

Count. 

Ah, so ? So ? 

Mrs. North. 

No, she don’t care nothing in particular about him. She’s 
fitting herself to fill a high position. She don’t want for 
nothing so far as money goes, (sighing) Oh, I don’t know 
what we would do if she should think of leaving us to go very 
far away. 

(John North entering from house.) 

John North. 

Well, I feel decidedly better. How are you, Count I)e Val¬ 
ley wall ? You look hearty. 

Count. 

(Fervently) Monsieur I offer my congratulation on ze nom¬ 
ination for ze distinguished position. It ees an honair. In¬ 
deed, I am so please I cannot say in ze English what I would in 
my native tongue. You vill vin I sink. 

John North. 

You are right. Count ; I will swim or sink ; one or the other. 

Count. 

Ah, you not comprehend. I say I sink you vin. 

Mrs. North. 

(With nervous embarassment) The Count says he thinks 
you will win. You don’t understand him, John. 

John North. 

Yes—yes. Beg pardon, Count. I think I’ll win. I’m 
going to give it a mighty big hustle. Lead ’em a merry dance. 

Count. 

Ah, so you dance ? You veel lead ze grand — ah, vat you 
call— ze grand — ball. 

Mrs. North. 

Why, John, you know you ain’t danced in twenty years. 

John North. 

No, Count, you just didn’t catch my meaning. I mean I 
don’t intend to let the grass grow under my feet. 


HON. JOHN NORTH 17 

Count. 

(Blankly) Yes — zat ees— no —ze grass—I — 

John North. 

I mean I’ll do my best. 

Count. 

Ah, you vin ! I know. Ze grand victor. Ze honair ! 

John North. 

Yes, Count ; a fellow is on air, that’s right. But I’ll try to 
hold myself down. (Count looks abashed and Mrs. North 
glares at North, who is restive under her gaze) Maybe I 
didn’t just catch your meaning though, Count. 

Count. 

Ze honair, Monsieur ! Ze honair ! 

John North. 

Yes — yes—on air. Martha, I was right. (Count looks 
appealingly at Mrs. North) 

Mrs. North. 

Never mind, John. Count, say we go in and join the young 
folks ? Edith must be waiting for us. 

Count. 

With pleasure, Madam, (exeunt Mrs. North and Count in 
the house. 

John North. 

Guess I made another break. I never could understand ze- 
ze-ze-ze-ze it sounds like a gang saw going through a fir knot. 

(Enter Colonel Barnaby from house.) 

Col. Barnaby. 

John, who is that woman ? 

John North. 

What woman ? 

Col. Barnaby. 

Why, that handsome woman in the house. 

John North. 

I didn’t see any woman in the house. 

Col. Barnaby. 

Well, there is one in there and she is a stunner. By Jinks, 


18 HON. JOHN NORTH 

such a smile I never saw before. I could not keep my eyes 
off of her. 

John North. 

Young woman ? 

Col. Barnaby. 

Yes. Golden hair and magnificent figure. A regular prin¬ 
cess. 

John North. 

Lord ! Henry you are as bad as a young man in love. 

Col. Barnaby. 

Well, there have been men older than I, fall in love. Do 
you know, John, why I never married ? 

John North. 

Well, Henry it wouldn’t take a man long to guess. 

Col. Barnaby. 

Well, sir, the plain truth is, I never fell in love. (John 
bursts into a roar of laughter) Is there anything so very 
funny about that ? 

John North. 

Funny ? How about that old maid school tna’ani, and the 
little grass widow from Nebraska ? 

Col, Barnaby, 

(Nettled) Mere flirtation—mere flirtation ! 

John North. 

That is one of your failings, Henry. If you had not ad¬ 
mired so many of them, you would have been married twenty 
years ago. They think you are too easily caught. Take my 
advice, Henry, and at your age pay less attention to the fair 
sex. The flowers of June are not entranced by the frosts of 
December. 

Col. Barnaby. 

(Testily) I suppose you mean to insinuate that I am a frost. 

John North. 

(Jokingly) No, but I am sure you are not a June rose bud. 

Col. Barnaby. 

Ahem ! I know my place. I am not a fool—a consumate 
jack ass as you would infer. I am capable of taking care of 
myself, Mr. North, perfectly capable sir. 


HON. JOHN NORTH 


19 


John North. 

Now, get huffy, as usual. You never could take a joke 
where there was a woman in it. 

Col. Barnaby. 

You act as thought nobody would have me. Well, sir, I 
will prove to you that you are mistaken. You have thrown it 
up to me for years, that 110 girl would marry me, but I’ll say 
right here, that I will show you that with all the girls there 
are in this town, that it is not such a hard matter to get a wife 
as you think. I will show you. 

John North. 

(Laughing) All right, Henry, I’m from Missouri. Nothing 
would please me more, than to see you act the part of sweet 
sixteen. 

Col. Barnaby. 

(Going up) Oh, I am used to your sarcasm. But it don’t 
set well at all times. 

John North. 

(Calling after the Colonel) Henry! Don’t go off mad — 
(exit Colonel R. U. E. John going up) Henry — Henry, 
(laughs) He has gone mad as a hornet. Poor old maid, (stands 
as if watching him.) 

(Enter Mrs. Delmar from house) 

Mrs. Delmar. 


(At door) Very well, I will be here tomorrow morning at 
ten. Good day. (Mrs. Delmar, turning, meets John North 
coming down. North starts, on seeing her.) Oh, then, I have 
not changed so very much ? 

John North. 

Helen! You — you here ? 

Mrs. Delmar. r 

Ah, I see you have not forgotten me. 

John North. 

Forgotten you ? I have good reason for remembering you, 
Madam. 

Mrs. Delmar. 


Yes ? 

I have, indeed. 


John North. 


20 HON. JOHN NORTH 

Mrs. Delmar. 

I fancy you thought me dead and buried in some out of the 
way nook. But you see I am very much alive. 

John North. 

Only the good, die young. You show very plainly what 
you are, with your miserable bleached hair and bedaubed face. 
What are you doing around here ? 

Mrs. Delmar. 

(Loftily) Oh, I expected my presence here would disturb 
you somewhat. 

John North. 

Where did you escape from ? 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Oh, I’m a bird of passage ! 

John North. 

More likely a bird of prey. 

Mrs. Delmar. 

I just dropped in. You have a lovely home, (tauntingly) 
John North. 

Well, you can just drop out again. 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Things are awfully nice. So different from what we used 
to have. 

John North. 

Madam, I do not care to talk to you. 

Mrs. Delmar. 

I suppose not, now. But later on it may be that you will 
want to talk to me. 

John North. 

(Studying her closely) Your presence here is not desired. 
Mrs. Delmar. 

(Laughs sneeringly) No? 

John North. 

You are a dizzy looking thing —I hate you worse than ever. 
Mrs. Delmar. 

(Sneeringly) Then you are not glad a little bit to see me ? 


HON. JOHN NORTH 


21 


John North. 


Understand me; don’t you never set foot on these grounds 
again. 


Mrs. Delmar. 


Oh, but I’m going to bring Johnnie to see you, next time ! 
John North. 

Johnnie ? Who’s Johnnie ? The fellow you eloped with ? 
Mrs. Delmar. 


By no means, Mr. North. Have you forgotten your son — 
your namesake ? Your memory must be failing. 

John North. 

(With nervous anger) I was told the baby died owing to 
your carelessness and neglect, and I had it from good author¬ 
ity, too. I should have taken him as the court allowed, but, 
by the time I located you and your paramour, I was informed 
that the child had died. 

Mrs. Delmar. 


Perhaps, had he been with you, the living evidence of a pre¬ 
vious marriage, might have interfered with your second mat¬ 
rimonial venture. 

John North. 

You snake ! What do you mean to insinuate ? • 

Mrs. Delmar. 

I mean that your present wife does not dream that there ever 
was a first Mrs. North. 

John North. 

Eh ? What, and you told her ? 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Oh, you are getting excited, Mr. North, and you really do 
want to talk to me now ? 

John North. 

(Excitedly) My God, you did not tell her ? 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Not yet — no ! Considering her mania on the subject of 
second marriage, I really did not want a suicide in my presence. 

John North. 

You have been talking with her ? 


22 HON. JOHN NORTH 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Yes, we have had a delightful chat. 

John North. 

Oh, you viper ! Poluting my household with your presence ! 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Oh, your robes are not so spotless ! You have played the 
hypocrite, well. 

John North. 

Hypocrite ?— Madam — I — 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Oh, not so savagely, Mr. North. Modulate your tone. You 
are talking too loud for your own good. Your deceit might be 
discovered even at this late day. 

John North. 

(Wincing) Well, go. You — you exasperate me. By 
what pretence, Madam, did you gain entrance to my home ? 

Mrs. Delmar. 

As tutor in French, to your very pretty daughter, Mr. North. 
I am excellent at teaching people lessons, (laughs tauntingly) 

John North. 

Well, you will not teach her French, nor anything else. I 
forbid you speaking to her. The idea of you, under the same 
roof with my wife and daughter ! 

Mrs. Delmar. 

(Calmly and sarcastically) It is funny, isn’t it ? 

John North. 

(In a rage) Funny ? Funny ? It — it is damnable 1 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Yes, you see now, how wrong it was to deceive her. But 
the dear, ignorant soul, has engaged me nevertheless. 

John North. 

Then consider that I have disengaged you, Madam_under¬ 

stand ? 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Now, you are talking too loud, again. Do not work your¬ 
self into a frenzy. The position suits me to a T. 


HON. JOHN NORTH 


23 


John North. 

Damn it, woman ; don’t you know that I will not permit you 
to mingle with my family ? 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Oh, come now, John — 

John North. 

Don’t you John me, Madam ? 

Mrs. Delmar. 

The terms are all arranged. You will permit me to mingle 
with your family, and will pay me well for doing so. 

John North. 

Not a cent. Not a red cent! 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Oh, yes, you will; and what is more, you will give me all 
the money I need. Just think, election is coming on. 

John North. 

I see through your accursed, diabolical game, but you can’t 
blackmail me you — you — 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Really, John — 

John North. 

Bah ! don’t you never call me that again. I will not have 
such familiarity. You can’t break up my home in any such 
way. Go, and never darken my doors again ! 

Mrs. Delmar. 

(Laughing) Not until tomorrow at ten. Don’t worry, I 
will return, and possibly Johnnie will call and see you, too. 
He wants to look at his Honorable Papa. Do not forget that 
you are running for Governor. Good bye J-o-h-n till tomor¬ 
row at ten. Ta, ta. (exit Mrs. Delmar laughing R. U. E.) 
(enter Colonel Barnaby, R. U. E. hurriedly, almost colliding 
with Mrs. Delmar.) 

Col. Barnaby. 

(Very profuse) Your pardon, Madam — your pardon ! 

Mrs. Delmar. 

(With great affectation and smiling) Granted. 

(exit Mrs. Delmar R. U. E. Colonel watches her with open 
mouthed admiration.) 

John North. 

(Ascending steps to house) The devil ! 

CURTAIN. 


ACT II. 


Scene i. Back parlor. Doors C. E. and R. At rise, Mrs. 
North discovered sitting at right of table reading a novel. 
Edith is thrumming the keys of the piano. Mrs. North throw¬ 
ing book on table. 

Mrs. North. 

Fool book ! Insane idea ! No girl could be so in love with 
a divorced man. I’ll not read another word of it. 

Edith. 

What did you say, mamma ? 

Mrs. North. 


Nothing, dear. Ain’t you forgot the time for your French 
lesson ? 


Edith. 


Oh, no, Mamma, I have it in mind every moment ; anything 
so perfectly delightful, would be impossible to forget, you 
know. 

Mrs. North. 


Well, goodness me, she must be waiting for you. 

Edith. 

To tell you the truth, Mamma, Uncle Henry is so busily en¬ 
gaged in telling her of his bravery and the sixties, that I really 
do not think she will have time for my French lesson. And I 
am not in a bit of a hurry, myself. 

Mrs. North. 

I am so sorry, Edith, that you take absolutely no interest in 
a thing that I want you to do. 

Edith. 

Why, Mamma, you never thought of my studying French 
until—until — well, not until lately. I was very much inter¬ 
ested in flower painting. 

Mrs. North. 

Well, a little bit of daubing in paint ain’t a-going to benefit 
you none, is it ? 

Edith. 

No more than a little smattering of French. 


HON. JOHN NORTH 25 

Mrs. North. 

That’s it; you don’t appreciate one thing I do for you, nor 
any ambition I might have to see you in a high position. My 
goodness, if I’d a had your chance when I was a girl, you’d a 
seen me lit in. But I was the one of the whole family to have 
to do without schooling. Raised in the woods ! Here you are 
the only child and your parents anxious to do for you. 

Edith. 

Why not German or Italian, Mamma ? 

Mrs. North. 

German your foot ! You don’t suppose do you, that there 
would be German Dukes and Italian Lords a-runnin’ around 
here to see you every day, do you ? Well, it’s plain to be seen 
that you don’t appreciate nothing. Land alive, I wish you 
would get some high ideas in your head. The Count is de¬ 
lighted. 

Edith. 

Oh, the Count! Spare me from titles. Give me an out and 
out American, every time. 

Mrs. North. 

Yes, there you go. A cook or a Count is all the same to 
you. I suppose you would take up with an ordinary scribbler 
on a newspaper. 

Edith. 

(With feeling) Mamma, I know to whom you refer. I will 
tell you plainly, that this ordinary scribbler as you call him, is 
more to me, than all the titled adventurers of Europe. 

Mrs. North. 

(Showing disgust) Nonsense. Don’t let me hear no more 
such talk, or the first time that young upstart comes grinning 
around here I’ll give him his walking papers. I’m bound, 
Edith, you’ll not drive your ducks to no such market. 

(enter John North, C. with newspaper in hand) 

John North. 

It is simply infamous ! I never said such a word ! 

Edith. 

Why, what is it, Papa ? 

John North. 

What is it ? Well, just listen to this batch of falsehoods. 


26 


HON. JOHN NORTH 


(reads) The few who escorted the Hon. John North to his 
home, were evidently disappointed at the remarks of their can¬ 
didate. His bid for the workingman’s vote fell with a dull 
thud, and his repeated references to himself savored more of 
egotism than oratory. He seemed to confound the duties of 
Governor with the saw mill business, and assured his hearers 
that if he was elected Governor, he intended to ignore public 
opinion completely, and would regulate all State matters ac¬ 
cording to his own divine intelligence, (to Mrs. North and 
Edith) Just think of such a point blank lie ! Why, the fel¬ 
low has not a spark of truth in him ! 

Edith. 

What paper said that about you ? 

John North. 

The Herald ! 

Edith. 

Oh, Papa, I am sure that is not Charles’ write up. He would 
never say anything like that about you. He never wrote it. 

John North. 

Wrote it ? Why, of course he wrote it. Wasn’t he here 
yesterday ? The young scamp ! 

Mrs. North. 

Just his calibre ! There’s your scribbler, for you ! Some 
folks is always getting took in by just such people. Iam not 
surprised in the least. 

Edith. 


But, Mamma, I know Charles never wrote those words. 
Money could not have hired him to misquote Papa. I know 
him too well. 

Mrs. North 

Well, it’s most astonishing to hear you talk 1 Ketch me a 
holdin’ anybody up, that would run my Pa down like that. 
Why, I’d a been ready to a-wrung his neck. 

Edith. 

Mamma, I do not care what you say, I know there has been 
some mistake. Charles never wrote that. 

Mrs. North. 

Well, that ends him a-comin’ here! (enter Unity Jane with 
card, which she hands to John North) 


HON. JOHN NORTH 27 

Edith. 

(Pleadingly) Oh, Mamma ! 

Mrs. North. 

Well, you will see if he dares to show his head here again. 
He’s cooked his goose. 

John North. 

(to Unity) Show him in. (exit Unity C.) Not so loud, 
Mother ! He has just come. We will see what he has to say. 

Mrs. North. 

I don’t want to hear nothin’ he has to say. All is, he has 
fixed himself with me. 

(Enter Dale, C.) 

Charles Dale. 

(Fumbling with his hat nervously) Good morning — ah, — 
good morning, all ! (Mrs. North eyes him coldly. Edith 
smiles a greeting, but acts under restraint) 

John North. 

Well, young man, your call is most opportune. Sit down. 

Charles Dale. 

I called, Mr. North, to offer an explanation of the story of 
yourself, in this morning’s Herald. 

John North. 

I’ll be glad to hear what you have to say. 

Mrs. North. 

I abominate this explainin’ business ! When a thing is said 
or done, it is said and done and that’s all there is to it. 

Charles Dale. 

I do not blame you for being angry, Mrs. North. I was 
thunderstruck when I read it, myself. It was not what I 
wrote. It was garbled for political effect. Believe me, Mr. 
North, it was not my doing. 

Edith. 

There, now, I knew Charles never wrote it. I knew it all 
the time. 

John North. 

Well, I couldn’t hardly believe it of you, Charley, myself. 


28 HON. JOHN NORTH 


Charles Dale. 

It has placed me in such a bad light, that I feel that I must 
resign my position. 

John North. 

Oh, no, don’t do that. You must consider the attitude of 
the editor to my candidacy. Politics is politics. 

Charles Dale. 

Well, Mr. North, I am indeed glad that you do not feel hard 
toward me. 

John North. 

Don’t mention it ! Don’t mention it ! Your explanation 
has cleared the atmosphere. 

Mrs. North. 

Well, as I live and breathe ! If you don’t beat all ! The 
idea of your being softsoaped like that ! 

Edith. 

Why, Mamma ! 

Mrs. North 

Edith, hush ! It ain’t your put in. Your Pa has been 
treated scandalous, and I for one, don’t mean to be mealy 
mouthed about it. 


John North. 

Well, Mother, we will take the young man’s word for it. 
Don’t weigh your heart down with a grudge, (to Dale) 
Women don’t understand this political business. So don’t 
take anything to heart. 

Mrs. North. 

Well, there is no need to talk about it any more. When I’m 
done, I’m done. 

Charles Dale. 

I trust you will feel differently about it, some day, Mrs. 
North, I am sorry that you doubt me. I bid you good dav. 
(Mrs. North remains frigid) 

John North. 

It is all right, my boy. (shakes Dale’s hand and turns and 
engages in mock conversation with Mrs. North) 

Charles Dale. 

(To Edith) You believe me, don’t you, Edith ? 


HON JOHN NORTH 29 


Edith. 

Yes, Charles, I believe you — every word, I shall never 
doubt you — never. 

Charles Dale. 

I thank you, Edith. I understand you now. I see your 
position. I see it all. (taking her hand) Good bye. (exit 
Dale C. hurriedly). 

Mrs. North. 


Well, I don’t want him a-coming here any more a-making 
eyes at Edith, (to Edith) Now Edith, go and see if your tutor 
is ready to begin your French, (exit Edith R. sullenly). 

John North. 


But don’t be unreasonable, mother, 
man. 


Mrs. North 


He is a bright young 


What is he alongside of a Count ? 

John North. 

That is for Edith to choose. 

Mrs. North. 

I think we got a little to say in the matter. 

(enter Colonel Barnaby and Mrs. Delmar, R. Mrs. D. carrying 
bouquet and leaning on Colonel’s arm). 

Col. Barnaby. 

(to Mrs. Delmar) The bullets whistled round me and the 
cannon roared. Lee’s troops rushed up on the right. We 
made a flank movement. I siezed the flag and yelled, “On ! ’’ 

Mrs. Delmar. 


How brave of you. Oh, I do admire a brave soldier. 

Col. Barnaby. 

Had you been there to have cheered me on, I could have 
whipped the enemy single handed and with no weapon but the 
sword. 

Mrs. Delmar. 


Now, Colonel, you 
spiring ? 


flatter me, do you really think me so in- 
Col. Barnaby. 


Ah, what man could resist your, charms ? Inspire ? Why, 
what man would not gladly lay down his life for you ? 


30 HON. JOHN NORTH 


Mrs. Delmar. 


(coquettishly) Now, Colonel Barnaby ! Really * you em- 
barass me. 

Col. Barnaby. 

(admiringly) Ah. those eyes and that golden hair. You 
simply intoxicate — 

Mrs. North. 


(seeing the Colonel and Mrs. D.) Oh, you are here ! I just 
sent Edith in. Oh, excuse me ! You haven’t met my hus¬ 
band, have you ? Mr. North this is Mrs. Delmar, Edith’s 
French tutor. (John North pays no heed to Mrs. North) 
Mr. North, this is— this is — Mr. North —(John half turning) 
Mrs. Delmar ! 

John North. 

(with great dignity) Madam ! 

Mrs. Delmar. 


I am so pleased to meet you, Mr. North. 

Mrs. North. 

This is the lady, John, that is going to learn Edith, French. 

John North. 

Yes, so you said. 

Col. Barnaby. 

Martha, do you know it would be a capital idea if we could 
induce Mrs. Delmar to come right here to the house and stay 
where she and Edith could hold conversations entirely in 
French, Edith’s progress would be remarkably rapid. 

Mrs. North. 

Well, Henry, I hadn’t thought of that, but since you men¬ 
tion it, I don’t know but what it would be a good idea. She 

could have that side room off the- What do you think 

about it, Pa ? 

John North. 

(who has been struggling to maintain his composure) I have 
quit thinking. 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Of course, unless it is perfectly agreeable to Mr. North, and 
he sees the advantage, why- 

John North. 

(smothering his anger) I see the advantage. 




HON. JOHN NORTH 


3 


Col. Barnaby. 

Of course—of course he couldn’t help but seethe advantage. 

Mrs. North. 

Well, we will go right in and talk it over with Edith. 

Mrs. Delmar. 

(smiling) Excuse me, Colonel. 

Col. Barnaby. 

(bowing and smiling foolishly) Certainly, (exeunt Mrs. 
North and Mrs. Delmar, who smiles back at the Colonel from 
doorway), (to John) Did you ever see such eyes ? She is a 
charmer — a veritable fairy — the embodiment of wit and 
beauty — graceful as a willow with the form of a Venus. 

John North. 

There ! There ! That is enough of such twaddle, Henry. 
You are the proverbial moth hovering around the flame, and 
mark me you will get your wings devilishly singed. I should 
think you would have done at your age with such nonsense. 

Col. Barnaby. 

Not so long as my heart beats will I cease to admire a beau¬ 
tiful woman, (peers out R. D.) 

John North. 

Beautiful ! Hell ! ! 

Col. Barnaby. 

Ah, if I could only get another glimpse of her—she just in¬ 
toxicates me. John, did you ever see such hair ? 

John North. 

Yes, in the circus. 

Col. Barnaby. 

(in surprise) What ? 

John North. 

Henry, don’t tell me that you are infatuated with that — 
that woman, in so short a time. For heaven’s sake go a little 
slow. 

Col. Barnaby. 

Then you would dictate my course of conduct ? 

John North. 

I’ll not sit by and see you duped. 



32 


HON. JOHN NORTH 

Col. Barnaby. 


Eh ? 

John North. 

Yes, duped ! Don’t be a fool, Henry ! 

Col. Barnaby. 

You are taking a good deal on yourself, Mr. North. I will 
do as I please. The next thing you will be telling me to come 
in out of the rain. Such presumption ! Fool, eh ? What is 
it to you if I see fit to admire a vivacious woman ? 

John North. 

It is a good deal to me, Henry, and I must ask that you 
cease your attentions to this particular woman, especially in 
my house. 

Col. Barnaby. 

I see ! I have aroused your jealousy. 

John North. 


By no means, Henry, I merely intend to constitute myself 
your guardian. 

Col. Barnaby. 

John North you are going too — too far. I am not quick to 
take offence but I feel that your palpable enviousness has 
caused you to grossly insult me. A little more and I shall 
leave your house. 

John North. 

Well, suit yourself, Henry, if you will not listen to reason. 
You are too old a bird to be caught with chaff, (exit North E.) 

(Enter Mrs. North, R.) 

Mrs. North. 


Well, brother Henry, it’s all settled and she’s to have the 
corner room and — why, are you sick ? What makes you so 
of a tremble ? 

Col. Barnaby. 

Your amiable husband has seen fit to interfere with my affair. 

Mrs. North. 

What affairs ? 

Col. Barnaby. 

I think it has come to a pretty pass when John North exacts 
anything of me so preposterous. 


HON JOHN NORTH 33 


Mrs. North. 

Well, land alive, what is it ? 

Col. Barnaby. 

He insulted me because I was courteous to Mrs. Delmar. 
And I resented it. 

Mrs. North. 

Well ! Oh, Henry, you know what a hector he is. 

Col. Barnaby. 

Hector, nothing ! He was in dead earnest. Confound it 
I am tempted to think that he is jealous of me. 

Mrs. North. 


There, now, Henry, I believe you are in love again, 
jealous ! 


Col. Barnaby. 


John— 


Yes, Martha, jealous ! He glared at me like a tiger — called 
me names — said I could leave the house — would not permit 
any attention to Mrs. Delmar under his roof. Fm going to 
pack my trunk, Martha, and leave this house, (starts toward 
C. Mrs. North following and taking him by the arm). 


Mrs. North 

No you won’t ! Now, Henry, we will go and find John, 
and you will see it’s just one of his jokes, (exeunt Mrs. N. 
and the Colonel, C) 


(enter John, L. Walks about, showing extreme nervousness. 
Enter Unity Jane, L.) 

Unity. 


There is somebody at the door that wants to see you, Mr. 
North. He never give me no card. 

John North. 

Tell him I’m not in. 

Unity. 

Yes, but you are. 

John North. 

Only in the flesh, not in the spirit. Not in. Understand ? 

Unity. 

(blankly) What’ll I say ? 

John North. 

Say ? Say ? Why, say that I’m not in. What are you 
standing there for ? 


34 HON. JOHN NORTH 

Unity. 

He — he — he said that Miss Edith’s teacher woman — was— 
(North’s face shows sudden comprehension) 

John North. 

Well, show him in. (as Unity is about to exit, U. she runs 
into Johnny who is entering, and screams. Exit Unity, E.) 

Johnny is a typical street tough. His two front teeth are 
missing and one eye is blacked. North scrutinizes Johnny 
from head to foot. 

John North. 

(in subdued tone) What is your name, young man ? 

Johnny. 

My Mudda calls me Johnny. Mostly I come widout callin’. 

John North. 

You’re a nice looking specimen of the genus homo. How 
did you get your eye knocked out ? eh ? 

Johnny. 

De bloke of a Frenchman blimmed me in de gutter. When 
I gits me mud hooks on him, I won’t do a t ’ing to him, see ? 

John North. 

Some low down saloon row I suppose. What do you do for 
a living, anyway ? 

Johnny. 

Oh — graft ! 

John North. 

Graft ? Graft ? Trees ? 

Johnny. 

Nit! Just fake along. 

John North. 

Fake along ! I guess I am not familiar with your dictionary. 
What is faking along, eh ? 

Johnny. 

Oh, slingin’ beer in de variety and ridin’ in de races. 

John North. 

Slinging beer and riding the races ! A nice occupation ! I 
take you to be a sweet scented individual of the hobo element. 


HON JOHN NORTH 


35 


You will dangle at the end of a rope some time. Don’t you 
know you will, you young imp of Satan ? (Johnny starts to 
roll a cigarette) 

John North. 

Here ! None of your infernal cigarettes around my house. 
What business have you coming here, anyhow ? 

Johnny. 

Mudda said you wanted to see me. Thought mebbe the 
Guv. would git stuck on his son’s shape. 

John North. 

(in desperation) Son ? Son ? Don’t you son me, or you’ll 
attend a funeral. Now you get and don’t you show your face 
here again. 

Johnny. 

Guv. I’m deak broke till mudda gits her pay for de French 
lessons. 

John North. 

Here you — you—here take this (giving Johnny silver) out 
with you, quick ! 

Johnny. 

(shaking money) I won’t do a t’ing to dese shiners. I’ll 
gin up an’ hunt for dat French guy. You’re a warm baby, 
Guv. ! You’re an all right cuckoo. 

John North. 

Bah ! (exit Johnny, L. enter Mrs. Delmar, R.) A nice 
kettle of fish ! 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Why, I thought I heard Johnny’s voice. 

John North. 

So you did, Madam, so you did ! But you don’t hear it now. 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Why, have you sent him away ? The dear, darling, I have 
not seen him today. 

John North. 

Of course I sent him away ! What else would I do ? 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Invite him to remain. 

John North. 

Disgrace my home with that missing link? Never! I’ll 
wear out the sidewalk with him if he dares to come here again. 


36 HON. JOHN NORTH 


Mrs. Delmar. 

Why, John, how savage you are growing, 
trifle wild — 


John North. 

A trifle wild — a trifle ? 


If Johnny is a 


Mrs. Delmar. 

I am not wholly responsible. Now that he is near you it 
would only be right for you to advise him and guide his foot¬ 
steps in the straight and narrow path, (laughs) 

John North. 

Guide the devil ! I would sooner guide a Modoc Indian. 
He is absolutely worthless—thoroughly depraved. 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Then it is your Christian duty to uplift the fallen, (laughs) 
You are doing nobly by your daughter. For her you can even 
afford French lessons. 

John North. 

Beast ! How dare you speak of my daughtor in the same 
breath with that blear-eyed, red-nosed scalawag ? You are 
getting me desperate. What are you lingering here for, any¬ 
way ? (in high pitched tone) Why don’t you go on with your 
French ? 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Calm yourself, John, calm yourself, dear. Do you think it 
wise to mar the happiness of this household ? I for one am 
perfectly contented. Fine corner room, servants in waiting, 
money to burn and Colonel Barnaby, all in twenty-four hours. 

John North. 

Madam, you are trying to raise the devil with me, but you 
can go only so far. You need not set your snare for my brother- 
in-law. (enter Unity Jane) I’ll not see you — (sees Unity 
and takes card) I’ll not—(reads name aloud) James Max¬ 
well ? James Maxwell ? 

Mrs. Delmar. 

(with sudden alarm, to Unity) Not in — 

John North. 

Show him — 

Mrs. Delmar. 

(intensely) Mr. North is not in, go ! 


HON JOHN NORTH 


37 


John North. 

(dumbfounded) Woman, I — 

Mrs. Delmar. 

(starting toward Unity threateningly) Not in — not in I 
say ! (Unity shrinks out C.) 

John North. 

Well, we will see. (starts, calls Unity) Here, girl ! 

Mrs. Delmar. 

(confronting North) No ! This means as much to you as 
it does to me. James Maxwell—detective ! 

John North. 

(aghast) Huh ! Detective ! Then you have laid me in a 
lie to an officer, (enter Colonel and Mrs. North, C.) Woman, 
you have ruined me. I shall confess it all. You — you — 
(in a rage) 

Mrs. Delmar. 

(seeing the Colonel and Mrs. North. Mrs. Delmar rushing 
to the Colonel’s arms) Oh, Colonel, shield me. He’s insane. 

Mrs. North. 

(hysterically) Oh, John — Insane ! 

John North. 

(siezing a vase and dashing it on the floor) Insane ! Yes. 
God a’ mighty, insane! 


CURTAIN. 


ACT III. 


Scene i. Library doors R. and L. Desk and revolving 
book case L. Fireplace with mantel, R. General library fur¬ 
niture. At rise of curtain Mrs. North is standing by the re¬ 
volving book case deeply absorbed in the contents of an Ency¬ 
clopedia. 

Mrs. North. 

(with disgust) Well, I do declare ! A whole lot of big 
words and not a blessed thing to show what they mean, (enter 
Colonel Barnaby, L.) (Mrs. North hearing the Colonel enter 
the room and without turning to see who it is, in a flustrated 
manner attempts to replace the book in the case. The case 
revolves, and in her hurry fails to find the space previously 
occupied by the book.) 

Col. Barnaby. 

Well, Martha, you seem — 

Mrs. North. 

(turning to him with book in hand) O, brother Henry ! It 
is you ! I thought it was John. It’s about time for him. 
The boat is due at five. (Colonel looking at watch.) 

Col. Barnaby. 

A quarter after now. What book is that you have ? 

Mrs. North 

(abashed) Oh, it’s the Brittaniky. You know I was just a 
looking to see what I could find in the way of symptoms. 

Col. Barnaby. 

What symptoms ? 

Mrs. North. 

Why, brain disorders. 

Col. Barnaby. 

So you are still trying to make yourself believe that John is 
mentally deranged. 

Mrs. North. 

Yes, Henry, I am sure he is out of his head. Just look at 
the way he smashed that vase. No, Henry, John ain’t himself. 

Col. Barnaby. 

That is clearly evident. His head is no doubt turned, and 
in my opinion, his heart is most seriously affected. 


HON JOHN NORTH 39 


Mrs. North. 

Yes, Henry, you can’t tell what politics is liable to do. He’s 
all wrought up. His eyes looks perfectly wild. And that’s 
one of the first symptoms, (replaces book in case). I never 
slept a wink last night for worrying over him. I just wonder 
if he done anything strange at the meeting last night, (chok¬ 
ingly) Seems like my heart will break. 

Col. Barnaby. 

Well, only for you, Martha, I should not have stayed under 
his roof another night. Helen hasn’t really recovered from 
the shock of yesterday’s occurrence. 

Mrs. North. 

Oh, Henry, I’m just upset over the way he done ! And I’m 
all of a tremble when I think of the dinner tonight. What if 
he’d act up before the Count. 

Col. Barnaby. 

Don’t think, my dear sister, that John is not in full posses¬ 
sion of his right senses. You will observe that wild look in 
his eye, and his fits of anger have all occurred within the past 
two days. I hesitate to say this, but I fear it is that green 
eyed monster — jealousy. 

Mrs. North. 

Oh, brother Henry, the idea of him a being jealous of you. 
It’s redic’lous. You know well enough that he never looked 
at no other woman but me. (half crying) I know he is wrong 
in his head. There is certainly something ailing him. 


Col. Barnaby. 

Well, Martha, I only hope that you are right. 

Mrs. North. 

(wiping her eyes) Why, Henry Barnaby, ain’t you ashamed 
of yourself ? 

Col. Barnaby. 

Why—what ? 

Mrs. North. 

You’re a saying that you hoped that John was going crazy. 
Col. Barnaby. 

W e U —ah — that is — I meant that I hoped that ah — 
(enter John North, L.) 


4 o 


HON. JOHN NORTH 


John North. 

(wiping the perspiration from his brow) Well, here I am ! 
Whew, but it is a scorcher in the sun ! (kisses Mrs. North 
who appears half afraid of him) How are you anyway, 
Mother ? I am awful sorry you did not go with me yesterday. 
Had a fine time—big crowd — house packed to the doors, 
(exit Colonel, R. unobserved) People seem to be alive to the 
issue of the day. Ah, where did Henry go ? 

Mrs. North. 

I — I guess he has went to get ready for dinner. 

John North. 

Get ready ? 

Mrs. North. 

Why, yes, you know the Count — 

John North. 

Oh, yes, he is to dine with us tonight. 

Mrs. North 

Then you didn’t forget it. I was kind afraid— (hesita¬ 
tingly) you might of forgot it. You got so many things on 
your mind. Did you sleep good last night, John ? 

John North. 

Bless my soul, I never slept a wink. Woke up this morning 
with a roaring headache. 

Mrs. North. 

(apart) Them’s the symptoms ! (to North) Your head 
has been aching you a good deal of late, ain’t it ? 

John North. 

Yes, mother, I’m so tired out I’m hardly myself. My head 
is just in a whirl. 

Mrs. North. 

(nervously) Well, is it that things ain’t just clear to you ? 
You know John, I’m worried for fear — for fear —you might 
be getting-the-brain fever. 

John North. 

Ha! Ha! Brain nothing—just a little nervous. Well, 
come on, mother, out on the veranda, the cool air will feel 
better on my head, (exit North, R. Mrs. North following ) 


HON JOHN NORTH 41 

Mrs. North. 

(apart) His head ! Oh, that’s it ! That’s it ! (exit Mrs. 
North, R. visibly affected.) 

(Enter Count and Edith.) 

Count. 

Madamoiselle. it ees ze beautiful language — so full of ze 
music. I do not comprehend why you like not ze French. It 
ees ze most charming of all ze language. 

\ Edith. 

It is possible that I am prejudiced. Then, too, my tutor 
may be at fault in not interesting me more in the study of 
French. 

Count. 

Ah, zat ees it! You should have the excellent tutor. I 
could so quick teach you ze French. If only you knew my 
native tongue how sweet ze words would sound from your lips. 
Is it that you would not like to visit France and see Paris, ze 
most beautiful city in all ze world ? La belle Paris ! Is it 
that you would not like to see ze beautiful city, madamoiselle ? 

Edith. 

Oh — yes. I expect it is much finer than Seattle, (laughs) 

Count. 

(laughing) You jest, Madamoiselle. You cannot compre¬ 
hend her magnificence. She is so grand beyond what words 
can tell. I would so wish you to see her. Ze grand building! 
Ze theatre ! Ah, ze home of ze artist! You would be so 
happy in Paris — so charm by her loveliness. Ah, how I love 
her. And you too would love her. You love ze beautiful ? 

Edith. 

Indeed I do. I love the beauty of nature — the evergreen 
hills of Washington — the glorious mountains reaching up into 
the blue, blue sky whiter than any chiseled marble in the 
world. Ours is the architecture of God, yours that of man. I 
love Washington better, much better than I could ever love 
Paris, Count De Valois. 

Count. 

Ah, not so — not so ! You would love my Paris — the gay, 
laughing Paris I so well know. You will love her. Madam¬ 
oiselle listen to me — to what I would say to you. Ze words 
what I would speak have for days been on my lips. They 


42 


HON. JOHN NORTH 


have burn in my heart. I could not before speak them. When 
I look your beautiful eyes into I could not say what I would 
have you to know. We are now alone. Listen Madamoiselle ! 
I love you — love you — so. I would make you mine — all 
mine. I would take you to Paris a Countess. Ah, do you 
hear me — what I say—a Countess. Do you not know what 
it means ? 

Edith. 


Count De Valois, I appreciate your friendship, but to be¬ 
come your wife, I cannot. It is impossible. I could only 
marry one whom I love. 

Count. 

Ah, my beautiful queen ! My flower of ze west ! Ah, my 
love! I adore—I worship — Madamoiselle, my heart beats 
for you — for you alone. Be mine I implore ! I will go mad 
for you with ze love, (kisses her hand.) 

Edith. 

(withdrawing hand) I hope you will not be offended with 
me, but I can never, never marry you. I would not alone be 
doing myself a wrong, but you as well. We will be friends, 
Count De Valois — friends. 

Count. 

Ah, Madamoiselle do not say those cruel words. You must 
be mine ! I die for you ! You love me ! Ah, speak one 
word ! Say you will learn. I cannot from you part ! The 
Count De Valois kneels at your feet, (kneels) He prays for 
your love. Ah, you do love him, I see it in those glorious 
eyes (siezes her hand) Ah, Madamoiselle, you will drive me 
mad. I will — 

Edith. 

You are hurting my hand. 

Count. 

You must love me. 

Edith. 

You are hurting my hand, I say. You are — 

Count. 

Mine ! Mine. 

Edith. 

My hand ! You will please let go ! Some one is coming. 
(Edith wrenches her hand from the Count’s grasp.) 

(Enter John North, R. the Count is still on his knees but rises 

immediately on North’s entrance and appears greatly con¬ 
fused.) 


HON JOHN NORTH 


43 


John North. 

(after a hearty laugh) Devotional exercises, I should judge. 

Count. 

(greatly embarrassed) Ah — excuse, Monsieur. I sink I 
go on ze veranda, (mopping face with handkerchief) Ze 
room is very warm, (exit Count, R.) 

Edith. 

Oh, I am so glad Papa, that you came in ! He annoys me 
almost to death. 

John North. 

(going to desk on which is a package of letters) Fire him ! 
Fire him ! He’s a perfect bore. I would rather listen to a 
buzz saw. (running the letters over) You stay here and keep 
me compahy and let him annoy your Ma. My, how letters 
will pile up! (seating himself at the desk) Suppose I might 
as well look some of these over now as any time. 

Edith. 

Oh, Papa, let me help you and you will get through much 
sooner ! Play I was your private secretary, (seating herself 
beside North on footstool) I am excellent at reading letters. 

John North. 

Well, daughter, I am afraid these political letters would not 
interest you in the least. But here is one. Now what will 
you give for it ? 

Edith. 

Is it for me ? 

John North. 

For you. 

Edith. 

Oh, I will give you a great big kiss, (kisses North) There ! 
(takes letter and opens it with eagerness.) 

John North. 

(opening letter) Somebody wants a job, I’ll bet a dollar, 
(reading letter aloud) ‘ ‘ If you could see your way clear to 
appoint me warden of the penitentiary”—No I can’t see my 
way clear, (opens another one) Here it is again, (reads) 
“ In case of your election, please consider me an applicant for 
the wardenship of the penitentiary.” They must all want to 
go to jail. I know that fellow. Some men get there that are 
not made wardens. 


44 HON. JOHN NORTH 

Edith. 

(intently reading) Oh, how good of him ! 

John North. 

(reading from letter) “ As you will be elected Governor 
without a doubt, I therefore take time by the forelock and 
make application for warden ’ ’ Another man wants to go to 
the pen ! His previous experience ought to be enough, (read¬ 
ing from another letter) “ I will work hard for your election. 
You are a noble man. I am not asking for anything but if 
you could appoint me warden”—Well, wouldn’t that kill 
you ? I won’t look at another one of them, (to Edith, who 
is completely absorbed in her letter) You seem to think more 
of your one letter than I do of all of mine. Does he want to 
be warden of the penitentiary, too ? 

Edith. 

No, Papa. It is only a few lines from Charles. You know 
he does not feel at liberty to come to the house since — since— 

John North. 

Since when ? 

Edith. 

Since Mamma became so angry at him yesterday for that 
article in the Herald. He feels dreadfully over that. Indeed 
he does, Papa ! 

John North. 

Well, I forgave it all. So far as I am concerned the boy is 
perfectly welcome in my house — perfectly welcome. 

Edith. 

Oh, papa, I’m so glad that you feel as you do about him. 

John North. 

You seem very much interested in young Dale, my dear. 

Edith. 

(shyly) Why — I — 

John North. 

Ah, I suspect there is a little affair of hearts here. (Edith 
drops her eyes) Ha ! Ha ! Your father is good at guessing. 

Edith. 

Papa, you are a great big tease Charles and I are old friends. 


HON JOHN NORTH 45 

John North. 

Yes — friends. That’s what they all say. (seriously) Well, 
it is not for me to say whom you shall love, my child — it is 
not for me to say. (Edith bursts into tears) What, my little 
girl in tears. Why, daughter, what is the trouble — what is 
the trouble ? Come, now, tell me all about it. There ! There ! 
Don’t cry — don’t cry. 

Edith. 

(sobbing) I am very, very unhappy, Papa. 

John North. 

Unhappy ? Why, how so, Edith ? Tell me. You always 
used to tell me your troubles when you were a little tot — 
always came running to me for sympathy when you fell into 
the rose bushes and scratched yourself, and now you should 
not hesitate when you are older and have fallen in love. There 
are thorns in either case you know. 

Edith. 

It is not that, Papa. It is because I feel that — that — 

John North. 

Out with it ! Iam listening. 

Edith. 

That I am making mamma very miserable. I know I am. 
(weeps afresh) 

John North. 

There ! There ! Don’t take it so to heart. What reason 
have you for thinking so ? 

Edith. 

Well, Papa, as you certainly know, Mamma is very anxious 
that I should — well, that I should accept the attentions of 
Count De Valois. I do not like the Count and I told Mamma 
so the other day. While she did not say much to me I could 
see she was awfully disappointed. She has not seemed her¬ 
self since then. She has hardly — hardly — spoken to me 
today. 

John North. 

Well, don’t worry over it. It will come out right. 

Edith. 

This morning I noticed that her eyes were red as though she 
had been crying. I am so— so sorry to displease Mamma and 
make her so unhappy. I would rather die. 


4 6 


HON. JOHN NORTH 


John North. 

(uneasily) Perhaps it is something else your mother is 
worrying over. Don’t you think you are jumping at conclu¬ 
sions ? 

Edith. 

No, it is nothing else I am sure. Why, what could it be ? 

John North. 

Well — ah — no telling. 

Edith. 

Oh, I am the cause of it all. I know it, papa. I do so hate 
to cause her even one moment’s sorrow. But do you think it 
would be right for a girl to marry a man she did not and could 
not love ? 

John North. 

No sir-e-e. No empty titles will be bought around this 
ranch. Your dad’s an American. 


Edith. 


I do not think it would be right to do so even though it 
were to please someone else. Perhaps — I — might — though. 

John North. 


Well, perhaps you won’t. You will do your own choosing. 
There, kiss me. I will talk with your mother. 


Edith. 


(kissing North) 
dear papa. 


You were always so kind to me, you dear, 
John North. 


There, your mother is calling you. 

Edith. 


Yes, the Count ! I must go*, (exit Edith, R.) 

(North rises and looks after her. Then paces about the room 
showing extreme worry. As if siezed with a sudden impulse 
resumes his seat at the desk. Taking pen and paper.) 

John North. 


I’ll do it ! I’ll write Tom Travers and tell him the situa¬ 
tion. He knew Helen, and perhaps he can propose a scheme 
to help me out of this mess, (writes) Dear Friend Tom. 
Doubtless you have read of my nomination. Now to be brief, 
I am in a peck of trouble, and trust that you will be able to 


HON JOHN NORTH 


47 


suggest some way out of the difficulty. That disreputable 
woman after twenty years has swooped down upon me, and in 
my absence installed herself under my roof. You were mis¬ 
taken about the death of the child. My God, he is here ! 
Mrs. North is still in blissful ignorance of my former wife. 
You well know her mania. 


(Enter Unity Jane, L.) 

Unity. 

Mr. North ? 

John North. 

Well ? 

Unity. 

There is somebody to the ’phone. They’re in a awful hurry. 
John North. 

Hurry ? I suppose so. Another man wanting to go to the 
pen, may be. (starts to exit but turns quickly to the desk and 
slips the unfinished letter into the folds of a newspaper lying 
on the desk. After which he makes a hurried exit, L.) 

(Enter Mrs. North, R. with a newspaper in one hand and vase 
containing boquet in other.) 

Mrs. North. 


Unity Jane, how many times a day have I got to tell you 
about picking up the books and papers. I found this (exhib¬ 
iting paper) right in the middle of the parlor floor. You are 
getting too shiftless to talk about, and I’m going to tell you 
now, that if you keep on reading them novels — trashy thing— 
you will go plumb crazy. You’re so skeery now, that every 
time I step foot in the kitchen you jump clean off your feet. 

Unity. 

Well, wuzn’t you a-readin’ that “ Fatal — 

Mrs. North. 

No I wasn’t. I was merely a looking it over to see if it was 
fit for young girls to read, (goes to mantel and places vase 
and rearranges boquet) Ketch me wasting my time on such 
foolishness. (Unity picks up paper into which North placed 
his unfinished letter and instantly slips it into one of the 
drawers of the desk) Now go about the dinner and don’t you 
let them potatoes burn. When they’re done, call me for I 
want to cream them myself, (exit Unity, R. enter John North 
L. North on entering, observes the newspaper in Mrs North’s 


HON. JOHN NORTH 


48 

hand, and instantly glances at his desk. Not seeing the paper 
into which he had slipped his letter, he scrutinizes the paper 
in Mrs. North’s hand.) 

John North. 

(showing nervousness) Mother — I — you — well — that — 
I was reading that paper. 

Mrs. North. 

(half in fear and staring at North) Why, are you sure ? 

John North. 

(glancing back at the desk and then at the paper she holds) 
Yes — yes — you see I was reading — ah — reading — well, 
there were several things I was reading. 

Mrs. North. 

(amazed) Why, surely, John, this ain’t the paper ! 

John North. 

' (more excited) Yes — yes, that’s it. All about liquid air. 
(Mrs. North starts to open paper) Oh ! Oh! (snatches 
paper) You see, liquid air explodes. (Mrs. North stands 
transfixed. North holds the paper, keeping it tightly folded, 
then puts it in his coat pocket) I’m very much interested in 
the study of — of — of liquid air. It is really a great invention 
— discovery. 

Mrs. North. 

(aside, after studying North closely) The symptoms is get¬ 
ting worse ! 

Unity. 

(through door, R. in a drawling tone) Mrs. North, the 
taters is burnin’. 

Mrs. North 

(starting to the door) Well, run quick, you lunk head ! 
(North is seated at his desk. Mrs. North at door turns and 
looks at North just as he looks toward door to see if she is 
gone. As North turns back to desk, Mrs. North shakes her 
head slowly. Exit, R.) 

(As Mrs. North disappears, North excitedly takes paper from 
pocket, partly unfolds it, and not finding the letter he con¬ 
tinues to unfold becoming more excited each moment, finally 
unfolding the paper to its full size, catches it by the corners 
and shakes it violently—tearing it up.) 

John North. 

Gone ! Gone ! She’s got it. What did I write ? (scratches 
head and paces about room) The jig’s up! It’s done now! 


HON JOHN NORTH 


49 


I see my finish ! 

(Enter Johnny, L. very much under the influence of liquor 

and presenting a dilapidated appearance.) 

Johnny. 

Whoop ! How are ye Guv. ? How they cornin’ ? (hie) I’m 
lookin’ for Frenchy. 

John North. 

(in subdued tragic tone) You drunken vagabond ! Not 
another word out of you ! You get ! 

Johnny. 

I’ll spoil Frenchy’s face, (reels) 

John North. 

Another sound and I’ll ring for the police. Here, take this 
and go. (hands Johnny a dollar and siezes him by the shoul¬ 
der, pushing him toward L. D., on reaching the door a burst 
of laughter from Colonal Barnaby and Mrs. Delmar is heard. 
North rushes Johnny toward R. D., when the voice of the 
Count is heard. Baffled in the attempt to get him out of the 
house unobserved, North runs Johnny about the room in des¬ 
peration, finally hiding him behind the piano) Now don’t you 
make a sound or you will be turned over to the coroner. 
(Johnny mumbles) Sh-h-h Silence ! 

(Enter Mrs. North, R. unobserved by North, who again roars 

• over the piano, “ Silence.” 

Mrs. North. 

(gives a startled cry) Why, John ! (seeing the torn paper 
on the floor) Looks like you had finished your liquid air piece. 

John North. 

(out of breath) Oh, Martha — I—you see — I hope you 
will not be too hasty with me. You should have known of 
this years ago. But — you see — I—couldn’t — muster up the 
courage. I have been worse than a brute to keep you in ig¬ 
norance — but just — consider — how — happy we’ve been — 
I’m sure — you’ll forgive me when I explain fully, (glances 
at the piano in an agitated manner) 

Mrs. North. 

(apart) There he goes ! His mind is wandering ! 

John North. 

You will forgive me, won’t you, dear ? 


50 


HON. JOHN NORTH 


Mrs. North. 

(showing fright as she picks up and hurriedly deposits scraps 
of paper in the waste basket) Don’t speak of it, John. It’s 
most more than I can bear. (Unity throws open the folding 
doors, showing full set dinner table laid for six. doors C. L. 
and R., furnishings modern) Come now, John, dinner is 
ready, (enter Colonel Barnaby, Mrs. Delmar, the Count and 
Edith, L. While Mrs. North is seating the guests at table, 
North has gone to the piano and stands listening intently. 

John North. 

(apart) Asleep, thank God ! The woman’s bad enough, 
but oh, if she’d see him ! 

Mrs. North 

(as North seats himself at the table) Mr. North is slightly 
undisposed today. His head has been aching him. 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Too much on his mind, perhaps. 

John North. 

I’m quite myself. 

(Unity serves the soup, bringing two plates at a time.) 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Are we to hear the rest of that story, Count ? I was more 
than interested in it. 

Col. Barnaby. 

Yes, proceed, Count. I am anxious to know how it all 
came out. 

John North. 

Yes, Count, we all like stories. Let’s hear it. What’s it 
about ? 

Count. 

(to Edith) Perhaps Madamoiselle — 

Edith. 

Oh, I am more than interested. 

Count. 

(to North) Monsieur, I vas tell of my artist friend in Paris. 
(Johnny groans) 

John North. 

(aside) Oh, he’ll break loose ! (to Count) Yes_yes_ 

Paris, eh ? Is that where you came from ? 


HON JOHN NORTH 


5i 


Count. 

Paris ? She is my home. 

John North. 

Don’t suppose they speculate much in corner lots, do they, 
Count ? 

Count. 

(perplexed) Ze lots, Monsieur ? Zat ees, ze speculate ? 
Mrs. Delmar. 

But, Count, we are waiting for the story. 

Mrs. North. 

Yes, don’t let Mr. North switch you off onto town lots. 

Count. 

Ze artist I tell you of, is ze young man when I meet him — 
ah, so poor — 

John North. 

Poor was he, Count ? Nothing funny about that ! 

Count. 

Ah. so poor. He have no home. He is ill — so ill. It ees 
his head — ze fever — (Johnny mumbles) 

John North. 

(wildly) Crazy artist, eh ? I suppose they have got big 
lunatic asylums in Paris. Ours are growing here — lack of 
sunshine. How’s the weather in Paris, Count ? 

Count. 

She is grand beyond compare. 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Then your friend was delirious from fever, Count ? 

Count. 

Yes, madam — he ees vat you call — craze — out from his 
head — 

John North. 

That chap had a hard run of luck. It could have been 
worse, though. 

Mrs. North. 

And not a blessed soul to care for him I’ll warrant. 

Count. 

Yes, zat ees where I was telling you—a beautiful girl 
found him lying in ze street, so ill —so ill— (Johnny groans) 


52 


HON. JOHN NORTH 


John North. 

(loudly) Ha ! Ha ! You dou’t say. (Count sits mute 
with astonishment, Mrs. North shows fear and humiliation, 
North, to hide his agitation eats hurriedly.) 

Mrs. Delmar. 

(after a painful silence) A beautiful girl found him, you 
say, Count ? 

Count. 

Zat ees him — I mean zat ees her — ah — he find him about 
to die— (Johnny mutters) 

Edith. 

(starting) What was that ? 

John North. 

(more loudly) Poor devil, I hope he died. Earth’s a vale 
of tears, at best. Go on, Count, that is the best story I’ ve 
heard in a year. (Johnny mutters) 

Mrs. North. 


What’s that noise ? 

Edith. 


I heard a strange sound ! 

Col. Barnaby. 

I certainly heard something. 

Mrs. Delmar. 


So did I. 


John North. 


(wildly) Heard nothing ! You must be nervous. You all 
act crazy. What’s the matter ? Noises ? I don’t hear noises ? 
What noises ? Who said there were noises ? (enter Unity, R. 
with dish of salad) What are we sitting here for ?. Why 
don’t we eat ? (All look at Nonh in blank amazement. Unity 
is standing transfixed with eyes on the piano, and holding the 
dish of salad. The piano is seen to move. Unity screams and 
drops the salad as Johnny staggers out from behind the piano. 
All at the table spring to their feet.) 

Johnny. 

Dere’s de bloke of a Frenchman ! (starts toward the Count) 

Count. 


Mon Dieu ! Ze imbecile ! He will kill me ! Help ! Police ! 


HON JOHN NORTH 


53 


(Unity crawls under the table. All the women scream. The 
Count gets on the opposite side of the table from Johnny. 
Mrs. Delmar pretends to faint in the Colonel’s arms. North 
siezes Johnny by the collar and places his hand over Johnny’s 
mouth and drags him toward left.) 


CURTAIN. 


ACT IV. 


Scene r. Same as act II. Tights burning. North smok¬ 
ing a cigar and reading the evening paper; seated in easy 
chair, he appears perfectly composed, (enter Mrs. Delmar 
dressed for the street.) 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Oh, have I really found you alone ? 

John North. 

(calm and sarcastic) Yes, Madam, I am alone, and so far 
as you are concerned, I prefer to be alone, (continues his 
reading) 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Well, that is just exactly what I wish to discuss. 

John North. 

You will discuss nothing with me. 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Oh, come now ! Do not be foolish ! You certainly realize 
your present position. (Mrs. Delmar waits for him to answer, 
but he ignores her) Well, what is your peace of mind worth 
to you, anyway ? 

John North. 

My mind is a great deal more at peace than yours will be in 
a very short time. 

Mrs. Delmar. 


Oh, I don’t know. 

John North. 


But I do. 

Mrs. Delmar. 

But you have not answered my question Have I made it 
intereeting to you long enough ? Has the entertainment been 
up to the standard ? At dinner this evening you did the part 
beautifully. Now, what will you give me todose my engage¬ 
ment ? (North goes on reading and smoking) John, I am 
waiting. What does the nominee for Governor intend to give 
me ? 

John North. 

(looking at watch) Just five minutes. 


HON JOHN NORTH 55 


Mrs. Delmar. 

Don’t be facetious. My quiet departure from Seattle would 
be worth a great deal to you. Silence is golden. (North reads 
unconcernedly) Now is the time for you to put up. Johnny 
must be gotten out of jail. 

John North. 

He is safe there. The doors are strong. 

Mrs. Delmar. 


Have you considered what it means to you ?—the exposure 
that is bound to follow ? 

John North. 


(looking at his watch) The five minutes will soon be up. 
If by that time you are not out of this house, I shall ring for 
the police. Madam, your scheme of blackmail is at an end. 
That galoot can stay in jail until the earth crumbles into small 
atoms, (smokes complacently) 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Now think what you are saying. See ! (exhibiting manu¬ 
script) I have my story all ready. It will look well in print. 
I can easily sell it to the Herald for a thousand. Don’t you 
think it worth that much to you ? (North reads without 
replying) The public always enjoys a bit of scandal. 

John North. 


Madam, you are wasting your breath, and 


near. 


Mrs. Delmar. 


the time draws 


(reading from manuscript) “Hon. John North’s deserted 
wife arrives in Seattle.” (to North) Sounds well, doesn’t it ? 
Most interesting reading for the intelligent voter, eh, John ? 
(North does not reply) Then, too, there is your wife and 
daughter. (North is still silent. After a pause) A little 
more of your insolence and you haven’t the price of my silence. 
Your wife shall know all. A thousand dollars now or never. 


John North. 

Never ! Mrs. North knows all. 

Mrs. Delmar. 


(with astonishment) You told her ? 

John North. 

Mrs. North knows all. (looks at his watch, rises slowly, 
drops paper on floor and walks toward T.) 


L. of C. 


56 HON. JOHN NORTH 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Well, what do you intend to do ? 

John North. 

(calmly) Ring for the police. 

Mrs. Delmar. 

Oh, you — you beast ! (walks hurriedly toward C.) You 
will pay for your insolence ! (exit Mrs. Delmar.) 

(North walks toward C. looking out. Enter Unity, not seeing 

North. Her eyes fall upon the paper North has dropped. 

She immediately picks it up and puts it into the drawer of 

the desk. North coming down as she is closing the drawer.) 

John North. 

Here ! (Unity jumps, throws her hands over her head and 
screams) For heaven’s sake, what ails you ? 

Unity. 

Oh, sir, I thought it was another burgarlar. 

John North. 

Well, don’t be foolish. Now you get that paper. (Unity 
turns and takes paper from the drawer into which she had 
placed the paper which contained the letter) I was readino- 
that paper. What do you want in here ? 

Unity. 

A b-o-o-k. (Mrs. North calls, R.) 

John North. 

Mrs. North is calling you. (exit Unity, R. North seats 
himself and unfolds his paper. The letter falls into his lap 
North picking up the letter stares at it in blank amazement ) 
Great Scott ! That infernal letter! Martha don’t know a 
thing, and that cussed woman has gone to give it all away to 
the Herald. Now I have done it ! (rises and paces the floor 
Enter Colonel Barnaby dressed in street attire and showing 
anger.) 5 

Col. Barnaby. 

John North, the blood of a soldier boils within me—boils 
within me ! 

John North. 

Let her boil, Henry. 


HON JOHN NORTH 
Col. Barnaby. 


57 


Do you realize that you have turned out of doors my af¬ 
fianced wife ? What explanation have you to offer for your 
unwarranted conduct ? 

John North. 

Henry, I have no time to waste words. I’ve put her out 
and out she’ll stay. 

Col. Barnaby. 

It is well that I have control of my temper. Because she 
has spurned your attentions you, in your jealous anger, drive 
her from your door. 

John North. 

Jealous — hell ! I know that woman better than you do. 

Col. Barnaby. 

Better than I do ? What do you mean ? 

John North. 

I guess that I lived with her long enough — that is — I 
mean — I’ve seen enough of her since she has been under this 
roof. 

Col. Barnaby. 

Provoke me no further. I shall pack my trunk — (North 
pays no heed but stands with knitted brow and running his 
hand through his hair ) I shall pack my trunk — (Colonel 
moving to R. D. rear.) Pack my trunk— (North making 
no reply, the Colonel bolts out R. D.) 

(Enter Edith and Mrs. North, R. F. D. North still stands in 

a brown study. Mrs. North wears a white bandage about 

her head. She looks at North sadly for a moment.) 

Mrs. North. 

John ? 

John North. 

(starting suddenly) Oh ! Yes ! Mother, how is your 
head by this time ? 

Mrs. North. 

(sinking into chair) I think I am getting over the shock, 


That horrid burglar ! (enter Unity, L. D.) 


58 HON. JOHN NORTH 

Unity. 

Mr. N-o-r-t-h, the telegram boy is to the d-o-o-r. 

Edith. 

Telegram ! 

John North. 

Don’t get scared! An application for the wardenship — 
(exit North, E. D. Mrs. North seeing newspaper lying on 
the floor.) 

Mrs. North. 

Unity ? 

Unity. 

M-a-? (Mrs. North points to paper which Unity picks up) 
That makes about ten times today. I never saw the— Oh, 
Edith, my head— my head ! (exit Unity with paper, E.) 

Edith. 

Oh, mamma, you should not mind about the old papers. 
Eay your head back against the chair and be comfortable. 

Mrs. North 

Oh, Edith, it ain’t my head alone. It’s my heart. 

Edith. 

I thought there was something more — I’m so sorry — I — 
Mrs. North. 

Edith, I think it’s time that you knew — 

Edith. 

Why, mamma, is it something so terrible ? 

Mrs. North. 

Yes, child, the worst it could be. 

Edith. 

(alarmed) Why, mamma ! 

Mrs. North. 

(trying to control herself) Yes, it’s worse than death. 

Edith. 

Why, mamma, you frighten me ! 

Mrs. North. 

(half crying) Well — your — father — 


HON JOHN NORTH 

Edith. 


59 


Yes — yes. 

Mrs. North. 

Edith, ain’t you noticed nothing ? 

Edith. 

Well I — what do you mean ? 

Mrs. North. 

At the dinner table tonight, didn’t you notice how dreadful 
your Pa acted up ? 

Edith. 

Oh, mamma, will we ever get over that dinner ? 

Mrs. North. 

I could a sunk through the floor. You know Edith, that 
wasn’t like him. He ain’t been his self since he was nomin¬ 
ated. And didn’t you notice when we came into the room 
just now, how addled he was ? 

Edith. 

Why — yes— that’s so, he did act strangely. 

Mrs. North. 

And you know how his head has been aching him ? 

Edith. 


Yes. 


Mrs. North. 

Don’t you know them’s the very symptoms ? 

Edith. 


Symptoms ! Symptoms of what ? 

Mrs. North. 

(with emotion) Insanity ! 

Edith. 


Oh, mamma, you don’t think — 

Mrs. North. 


(sobbing) Yes, Edith, he’s as crazy as a bed bug. (enter 
North, E & D, reading telegram) You leave us alone, I want 
to talk to him. (exit Edith, R D.) 


6 o 


HON. JOHN NORTH 


John North. 

(reading telegram aloud) “Are you ready to formally open 
campaign ? Advise- Jones.” (apart) Formally open cam¬ 
paign ! Nice predicament in which to open a campaign ! 
Tomorrow’s Herald will do that, (to Mrs. North) Nothing 
alarming, Martha ! Just a wire from the chairman of the 
State Central Committee, (seats himself beside Mrs. North. 
There is an awkward silence. North betrays anxiety and 
Mrs. North mingled grief and fear.) 

Mrs. North. 


(with feeling) John, don’t you think you had best give it 
all up ? 

John North. 

Give what up ? 

Mrs. North 

All this politics. 

John North. 

(with deep breath) Well, Martha, I don’t know but what 
I do. 

Mrs. North. 

John, I can see you’re a failing every hour. Now won’t you 
let me send for the doctor. 


John North. 

The doctor ? 

Mrs. North. 

You know it’s always best to take these things on the start. 
Do you — er — are you still muddled in your head ? 

John North. 

No, things have cleared a good deal in the last hour. 

Mrs. North. 

You mean you don’t feel so queer ? 

John North. 

Well, you see, Martha — that is — there is — well— there’s 
something I should have told you years ago — before we were 
married. 

Mrs. North. 

(apart) I’m right — heredity ! (to North) You don’t 
mean it’s in the family —a family trouble ? 


HON JOHN NORTH 61 

John North. 

Yes, that’s it — that’s it — a family trouble. (Mrs. North 
begins to sob) Oh, Martha, I’ve been a coward ! I know I’ve 
been a brute, but I just couldn’t tell it. I wanted to forget it. 
I didn’t want to believe it myself. 

Mrs. North. 

Was it on your father or mother’s side ? 

John North. 

Oh, Martha, if I only was crazy as you think I am, it would 
not be half so bad. 

Mrs. North. 

Oh, don’t say that, John ! I know you don’t realize noth¬ 
ing. You can’t see how you’ve acted up in the last two days. 
Now, be reasonable ! Be doctored for it now. I could stand 
anything, John, but to have you crazy for the rest of your life 
— anything ! 

John North. 

Even a divorced man ? 

Mrs. North. 

Yes, John, if I was sure you ain’t crazy, I would be the 
happiest woman in Seattle, even if you’d tell me this minute 
you’d been divorced a dozen times. 

John North. 

Only once, Martha. 

Mrs. North. 

(staring) Eh ? (after a pause) Are you sure you know 
what you are saying ? 

John North. 

Yes, only once. Martha, I have deceived you. (enter 
Colonel R. D. rear. He carries two large valises. His vest is 
partly unbuttoned, his necktie disarranged and silk hat on the 
back of his head and his face red as from exertion.) 

Mrs. North. 

(breathless) You — another wife — 

John North. 

When I was a mere boy. 

Mrs. North. 


Why, John — who ? 


62 HON. JOHN NORTH 

John North. 

Helen Delmar ! 

(Colonel drops both valises and Mrs. North stares at John in 
speechless amazement.) 

Col. Barnaby. 

My God, John ! 

John North. 

Now, Martha, is it clear to you ? Wasn’t it enough to drive 
me crazy. And here is Henry, bound to marry her. 

Col. Barnaby. 

Well, I’ll be hanged if I ever ! 

Mrs. North. 

John, why in the name of common sense, didn’t you tell me 
this, long ago ? 

John North. 

Tell you, with you thinking every divorced man ought to 
go to jail ? 

Mrs. North. 

(tenderly) Well, I don’t blame you none. But I’ll bet I 
make her git up and dust. 

John North. 

Be calm, Martha. She has gone, I fired her out. Wanted 
a thousand dollars hush money. 

Mrs. North. 

Well, I’d see myself — trollop! (exit Colonel sheepishly, 
R. I)., carrying both valises.) 

John North. 

She’s made for the Herald office — says she’ll publish it. 
Mrs. North. 

(alarmed) Print it in the paper ? 

John North. 

Yes, to defeat me politically. 

Mrs. North. 

Oh, John, the whole town will know it. 

John North. 


Yes, the whole State. 


HON JOHN NORTH 63 

Mrs. North. 

Can’t you stop it ? Hurry John, quick. Give her a thousand 
— give her five thousand ! 

John North. 

(rushing L. I).) I’ll get my coat, (exit) 

Mrs. North. 

(wringing her hands) Oh, run, run ! The Count will hear 
of it. (enter Dale, C. out of breath and excited. Mrs. North 
glares at him and he is embarassed.) 

Charles Dale. 

(after an awkward pause) I beg your pardon, Mrs. North, 
for this seeming intrusion, but I must see Mr. North immedi¬ 
ately. I — that is—is he in ? (enter North, L. putting on 
his coat) 

John North. 

Ah, Dale ! 

Charles Dale. 

(handing North manuscript) Mr. North. (North examin¬ 
ing it) 

John North. 

Why ! Dale ! How did you get possession of this ? 

Charles Dale. 

A few minutes ago a woman came into the Herald office and 
asked for the editor ; as Mr. Wade was not in, I represented 
him. She had a story to sell. I bought it. She was in such 
a hurry to catch the outgoing Oriental Liner that she did not 
hesitate to accept all I could dig up. I believe she is the no¬ 
torious blackmailer that the detectives have traced to this city. 

John North. 

(siezing Dale’s hand) You’re a brick! Spent your own 
money. I’ll make you warden— (to Mrs. North) Why, 
Martha, this boy has saved us. (to Dale) I can never live 
long enough to repay you. 

Charles Dale. 

It was no more than any true friend would do. (enter Col¬ 
onel, R. I).) 

Mrs. North. 

Yes, we’re much obliged. I appreciate it (enter Edith, R.) 
and hereafter you can just consider yourself like one of the 
family. 


64 


HON. JOHN NORTH 
Charles Dale. 

Thank you, Mrs.. North. (Dale turns to Edith and she 
gives him her hand. They engage in mock conversation.) 

Col. Barnaby. 

(to North and Mrs. North) I am out a hundred and fifty 
dollar diamond ring. 

John North. 

How about your wings, Henry ? Sufficiently singed ? 

Col. Barnaby. 

(meekly) Don’t mention it. John, I really owe you an 
apology, (shakes John’s hand) 

Charles Dale. 

(to Edith) Oh, I don’t think he meant to burglarize. He’s 
a harmless hobo. Old Mike Smith’s boy ! 

John North. 

Eh ? What’s that ? — who’s boy ? 

Charles Dale. 

Old Smith’s — lives on the water front. 

John North. 

Whoop ! (starts toward E.) 

Mrs. North. 

John, where are you going ? 

John North. 

To wire Jones, that I am ready to formally open the cam¬ 
paign. 


CURTAIN. 





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